The Shit Joke Thread

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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Wed Mar 07, 2018 2:04 pm

I woke up with a face full of rice.

I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau
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Merlin
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Merlin » Wed Mar 07, 2018 4:01 pm

Bloody Useless wrote:I woke up with a face full of rice.

I must have fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau

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[DVDF]Waspy
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby [DVDF]Waspy » Sat Mar 10, 2018 11:35 am

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
The one who laughs laughs, laughs laughs.
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910jack
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby 910jack » Sat Mar 10, 2018 3:27 pm

That pic. You can tell she's a redhead.
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[DVDF]Waspy
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby [DVDF]Waspy » Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:32 am

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The one who laughs laughs, laughs laughs.
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[DVDF]Waspy
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby [DVDF]Waspy » Wed Mar 14, 2018 4:58 pm

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The one who laughs laughs, laughs laughs.
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:53 am

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" , says the Guard.
"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:55 am

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:56 am

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Sat Mar 17, 2018 10:56 am

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
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