The Shit Joke Thread

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[DVDF]Waspy
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby [DVDF]Waspy » Tue May 23, 2017 4:26 am

Image
The one who laughs laughs, laughs laughs.
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:30 pm

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:53 pm

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife..
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Mon Jun 19, 2017 4:08 pm

Tips for life!


1. IF YOU’RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSETRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5 . IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6 . YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7 . REMEMBER- EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Wed Jul 05, 2017 4:41 am

Fecking Police !!!! I was just at the garage (petrol station) and two Police are sat staring at a woman who was pumping petrol and smoking at the same time. Like really, wtf! I'm thinking they are gonna do her in a minute surely!! She must be an absolute idiot and the coppers just sat there not doing anything. So i go into the shop to pay and just as I was about to leave, I hear someone screaming "look outside" the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was running around like a nutter waving her arm around and just going mental. Everyone runs out . One Policeman is trying to pat her out and the other one sprayed her with an extinguisher. Then proceeded to arrest her handcuffs the lot! I couldn't help myself so I asked them why they were arresting her after she had just burnt her arm!! Wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough? ..I swear to god the Police looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"
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Roostah
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Roostah » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:17 pm

Chinese Takeaway £24
Petrol to pick it up £2
Getting home and realising one of the useless twats have forgotten one of your containers


Riceless.
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Roostah
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Roostah » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:19 pm

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing




Billy Joel's house has burned down, apparently due to a faulty games console.
However, Mr Joel has claimed that Wii didn't start the fire.
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Roostah
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Roostah » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:19 pm

Dear European Union. It looks like we'll be sending over the Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Teams to discuss Brexit terms. Do let us know if you can think of a suitable acronym.
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Sun Jul 23, 2017 1:23 pm

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
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Bloody Useless
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Re: The Shit Joke Thread

Postby Bloody Useless » Sun Jul 23, 2017 1:24 pm

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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