The Shit Joke Thread

Talk about anything you like. Don't forget to add a NSFW tag if it's Not Safe For Work!
User avatar
[DVDF]Waspy
Posts: 185
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 7:54 am

The Shit Joke Thread

Postby [DVDF]Waspy » Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:54 pm

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting
on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational!

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.'

'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
The one who laughs laughs, laughs laughs.
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:10 am

Just went out and bought Prince's greatest hits as a mark of respect..........

Annoyingly, it cost £25, but when I got home, I partied like it was £19.99.

RIP Prince
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:13 am

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbour?"
Yep, none of us could get the jar open
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:15 am

Saw this woman in ASDA....

Image

I said "Can I talk to you for a while as I've lost my wife."

She said, "Of course, but I'm not sure that will help"

I said "Give it a second, she'll appear out of fookin nowhere!!!!"
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:17 am

I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Tue Apr 26, 2016 12:17 am

Got a valentines card from moonpig last week.

The missus hates that nickname.
User avatar
Merlin
Posts: 579
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:51 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Merlin » Tue Apr 26, 2016 5:12 pm

Roostah wrote:I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish.
:uglylaff: :uglylaff: :uglylaff:
User avatar
[DVDF]Waspy
Posts: 185
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 7:54 am

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby [DVDF]Waspy » Wed Apr 27, 2016 10:05 am

Just the other day a friend and I were walking through a local restaurant when I touched a door knob and got shocked by static electricity.

I turned to him and said,” Damn, I wish someone would explain that static electricity to me.”
Being an engineer, he did: and here is his explanation - especially for non-engineering types ..
Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.

The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge.
For modelling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 Pico farads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts.
When the human touches an object, this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond:


Are you still having a little trouble understanding this? If so, the next photo may help.



That is an illustration of static electricity! I hope this explanation has been helpful.
The one who laughs laughs, laughs laughs.
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Wed Jul 13, 2016 12:02 pm

My wife told me she wanted to go & see "Jeremy Kyle Live" for her birthday,
So I got her sister pregnant & we're on next Tuesday!!!
User avatar
Roostah
Posts: 249
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: Jokes Thread

Postby Roostah » Wed Jul 13, 2016 12:03 pm

My wife was trying to be sexy last night, she lay on the bed sucking a lollypop and slowly slid it in and out of her pussy.

I said "steady love, you'll need that to see the kids across the road in the morning"

Return to “The Pub”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests